December 11, 2006
Tonight: a rare look at Dubside’s boot camp for the Greenland Style Revolutionary Front. Twelve long boats in a pool. The lifeguards don't suspect anything. Prominent members of the sea kayaking world are present - their identities will not be revealed. We train under cover of the night.
At the appointed hour everyone lines their boats up side by side. Dubside stands at the edge of the pool and barks out orders in Greenlandic: “Paatip kallua tuermillugu illuinnarmik!”
“What did he say? I can’t hear anything with this tuilik on!”
We have trouble deciphering the code, but attempt to perform the maneuver anyway. Dubside keeps score.
Afterwards, we disperse and regroup at an undisclosed location. This is Headquarters. The entrance is hidden in a quiet corner off an ordinary street – a nondescript door marked only with a Qajaq USA sticker. The kayaks on our cars threaten to expose us. We park in the church parking lot nearby.
It’s a spartan room. A Feathercraft Kahuna hangs from the ceiling. A collection of norsaqs are arranged along a wall, like guns on a rack. In the corner is an iMac – the propaganda machine stamping out copies of Greenland Rolling with Dubside, a thousand mind-bombs delivered by priority mail.
We sit on balance boards and watch videos of Greenland, from Greenland. There is talk about upcoming operations: a sortie to Florida, Spain, possibly Iceland. There are no frontiers in this struggle. Other nations of the world summon Dubside's modest efforts. He exports revolution.
Someone mentions Gordon Brown. This is followed by a curse, and two minutes of hate. Brown has called for the disenfranchisement of members of The Movement. While sympathy for our populist cause continues to grow, so does worldwide British hegemony. It is inevitable that the two will clash.
Down to business. Dubside tabulates our scores on a whiteboard. The total is 51 points for the team. At least three people in the group must perform the roll correctly for the roll to count. Next time we’ll do better. It’s a difficult struggle, fighting a revolution, especially one financed by selling T-shirts and DVDs.
We exchange critical data: a DVD and a videotape. Finally, I deliver a black parcel from our contact in the south, a copy of the new Manifesto.
“Thanks, comrade. It's a beautiful text -- truly a great leap forward.”
Are you the Inuit Revolutionary Front?
Inuit Revolutionary Front. . We're the Greenland Style Revolutionary Front. ! Inuit Revolutionary Front. . Cawk.
Can I... join your group?
No. P*ss off.
Listen. If you really wanted to join the G.S.R.F., you'd have to really hate the Scottish kayakers.
Oh, yeah? How much?
Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Scottish kayakers are the f*cking Inuit Revolutionary Front
And the Popular Greenland Kayakers Front.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters...
And the Greenland Style Revolutionary Front. .
Yeah. Splitters. Splitters...
The Greenland Style Revolutionary Front. . Splitters.
We're the Greenland Style Revolutionary Front!
Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
People's Front! C-huh.
Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
He's over there.
Apologies to Monty Python - but couldn't resist! ;-)
Posted by: Bertie.. | December 12, 2006 at 03:34 AM
Hey, that's exactly like the whole Qajaq ACA vs Qajaq USA debacle. It's ridiculous I know, but true!
Posted by: Andrew | December 12, 2006 at 06:28 AM
This is either very funny or immensely worrying...I haven't yet decided.
Posted by: lady jane | December 12, 2006 at 08:11 AM
what is so revolutionary about a 5000 year old paddle? It seems rather conservative to me.
Bertie's post is right on the money, by the way.
Posted by: Rob G | December 12, 2006 at 08:58 AM
Andrew, Probably this post has set up the NSA software in full throttle.
Posted by: Wenley | December 12, 2006 at 09:43 AM
oh man, Bertie's comment... it's every kayak organization, group, club or clique I've ever heard of!
seriously...shoot. You keep making me want to move back to Seattle. All these fabulous people, so easy to get instruction from...
Posted by: bonnie | December 12, 2006 at 11:10 AM
funny stuff. viva la resistance!
Andrew thanks to you and Derrick, I'm gonna be going through the BCU training at Sweetwater. Does that make me a traitor or a spy?
Posted by: alex | December 12, 2006 at 12:18 PM
Go for it Alex! Honestly, I've given some thought to doing the BCU thing at Sweetwater myself, mostly because I want to play in some warm water this winter.
Posted by: Andrew | December 12, 2006 at 02:05 PM
So nice to run into you again! I was your roomie at the BCU 4 star training last month. Is this what you meant when you were talking about stirring the pot, rabble rousing or lobbing grenades ;-)
Posted by: David D. | December 12, 2006 at 10:49 PM
Hi Dave! Did I say that? It's all in good fun. ;-)
Posted by: Andrew | December 13, 2006 at 08:15 AM
I'm just messing with you Andrew ! That post on www.qajaqusa.org did kind of create a little flurry ;-)
Posted by: David D. | December 14, 2006 at 05:42 PM